· Don't ask us what time it is. When was the last time you approached a gorgeous girl with the old "Do you have the time?" line and she responded with, "It's two-thirty . . . and, by the way, are you free for dinner?"
· Never follow us. Unless you are a dog.
· Eye contact should last exactly 0.28 seconds. The quickest glance is the most effective. Treat us like the sun during a solar eclipse.
· We're always chilly. Take your jacket off and delicately wrap it around our shoulders. But watch it: Don't plan, for even a second, on using your arms, mister.
· We hate it when you are late. If you're late, it's over before it began.
· Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego.
· Women produce half the world's food but own only 1 percent of its farmland. So we're fine with you picking up the tab. And after about three thousand dinners at Nobu, we should be even.
· Women remember everything . Don't believe me? Ask your girlfriend where you met. She won't tell you it was at a party. She'll say it was a Thursday, she had just come from dinner, where she ate a veggie burger, and she was wearing her friend Cathy's pink top, which was big on her because Cathy is a big girl. You were wearing a blue button-down, drinking a Coke with two straws, and talking to Bill, that mutual friend. She waved and you gave her the "what's up" nod. This still infuriates her. ("How could you give me the nod?")
· An eyelash curler, while mean and ferocious looking, is not a weapon.
· We think it's weird when you watch sports and concentrate to help your team.
· Women hear better than men. That's before you even factor in listening skills and attention spans. Come to think of it, I should have listed this one first because I'm sure I've lost you by now.
· You may be surprised to know that women were responsible for inventing all of the following: the circular saw, the signal flare, the space suit, the bulletproof vest, and the windshield wiper. You're welcome.
· To start: Bad tipping and being mean to your mom are universal deal breakers. And even the most ardent feminist wants a guy to know how to drive stick.
· We find boyishness attractive when it involves tousle-haired enthusiasm, not when it involves losing your wallet more than once a month.
· Confucius say: He who gets teary eyed in a sad movie is sensitive, but he who audibly sobs is a weenie.
· We envy your ability to compete without regard for popularity. We, on the other hand, will claw the marrow from the bones of anyone in our way, then worry that a) clawing marrow is mean and b) our victim will tell other people about said marrow- clawing incident.
· We feign ignorance of anything technological until motivated. A gal will maintain that she doesn't really "understand all that computer stuff," but tell her that there's some dirt- cheap vintage Pyrex on eBay and she'll download an updated browser, optimize the dial-up, and install more RAM faster than you can say "manly technophile."
· We are amazing multitaskers.
· We revel in our own power, just like men do. We don't want to have to squelch ourselves so our man can feel strong. So rise up and meet us eye to eye in our queenliness.
· Women love men who love their mothers. Men who love their mothers generally know, love, and have great respect for women.
· On the other hand, women hate it when men talk about their mothers all the time.
· We need a plan. We don't feel comfortable winging it. We need the specifics of what's going on and who's going to be there. That way we know what to wear.
· We're worth the effort. What else needs to be said?
